Tonight...

I love my front porch...a lot. Every time I'm out here something awesome takes place. I spent many nights out here last summer just spending time with Jesus and soaking him in. One time I even wrote a song out here (it was my first and it was totally a gift from God). I don't know if it is the incredible view I have or if it's the new hammock I'm currently relaxing on..I just know that when I'm out here God becomes alive to me all over again.

I have been playing Phil Wickham non stop for the past few days and as the melodies of his song ring in my ears, the image of Jesus becomes a little more clear to me. It's amazing and I want to share it.

The first song is...

Cannons

It's falling from the clouds
A strange and lovely sound
I hear it in the thunder and rain
It's ringing in the skies
Like cannons in the night
The music of the universe plays

You are holy great and mighty
The moon and the stars declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, but still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are

Beautiful and free
Song of Galaxies
It's reaching far beyond the milky way
Lets join in with the sound
C'mon let's sing it loud
As the music of the universe plays

All glory, honor, power is Yours amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours amen

All glory, honor, power is Yours forever amen

Tonight as I was sitting out here I kept thinking about the chorus of this song

You are holy great and mighty

The moon and the stars declare who you are

I'm so unworthy, but still you love me

forever my heart will sing of how great you are

Looking up at the clear sky tonight, I am completely amazed at how BIG God is. I mean, dang. I don't even know what to say. I love thinking back to something God put on my heart a few months ago..the same power that created the moon and the stars, the universe, everything, lives inside of my heart. Think about that for a second. Actually, don't just think about it. Pray about it. Thank God for his power. Embrace it. Let it cause you to be bold for his name. Let it be encouragement in the times of despair. Let it change you, because frankly, it should.

He spoke creation into motion. That in itself blows my mind, but to take it even further, he created me and you; you, the believer of the God I love so much; yes, you, the one who thinks the God I love isn't real; you, the one who doesn't know what to believe and are living in confusion. A God that is so powerful, so holy, so sovereign, and so merciful and loving created me and you, and not only did he do that, he loves us. a lot.

I am so unworthy. I have so many flaws and so many things that have marred my heart, yet he still loves me. For that, forever my heart will sing of how great he is. He deserves all the glory and honor forever, and it is the desire of my heart to do all I can to give him the glory and honor for all he does.

The next song is....

Jesus Lord of Heaven

Jesus Lord of heaven, Oh I do not deserve

the grace that you have given, and the promise of your word
Lord I stand in wonder, at the sacrifice You made
Mercy beyond measure, my debt You freely paid

Your love is deeper, than any ocean

higher, than the heavens

reaches, beyond the stars in the sky

Jesus Your love has no bounds
Jesus Your love has no bounds
Jesus Your love has no bounds
Jesus Your love has no bounds

Your love is deep, your love is wide

Your love is great, your love is high

your love is all we'll ever need, your love is all we'll ever need

This song is awesome. It's so simple but it's so powerful. I'm learning more and more about Jesus all the time. Maybe it's because I took Hebrews this semester, I don't know. But I've just discovered this whole new side of who Jesus is and what he has truly done for us. I mean, his sacrifice was more than just a death on the cross..so much more! His death satisfied God's wrath and made it so you and I can have direct access to God, the Father. Through his death and resurrection we have received the gift of the Holy Spirit, freedom, and the promise of eternal life. I'm not even doing justice to what Jesus has done for us, but I hope I've made a little sense.

The last song is...

Heaven Song

You wrote a letter and You signed your name

I read every word of it page by page

You said that You'd be coming, coming for me soon

Oh my God I'll be ready for You

I want to run on greener pastures

I want to dance on higher hills

I want to drink from sweeter waters

In the misty morning chill

And my soul is getting restless

For the place where I belong

I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

I hear Your voice and I catch my breath

'Well done my child, enter in and rest'

Tears of joy roll down my cheek

It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams

I want to run on greener pastures

I want to dance on higher hills

I want to drink from sweeter waters

In the misty morning chill

And my soul is getting restless

For the place where I belong

I can't wait to join the angels and sing...

No, I cant wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

I LOVE THIS SONG

Ever since my Nana died I have had all kinds of thoughts about heaven--what is it going to be like? What am I going to do when I stand before my Creator? The Sunday after her service I had the opportunity to go to my home church, where we were in the middle of a sermon series called FAQ's. So, Jason was answering the various questions people had and this week just so happen to be about heaven...I love how God works. He talked about how much heaven is underplayed, and if people really understood the greatness of it they would be more excited about it and anticipate it more. So, since then, my mind has been overflowing with pictures of heaven, seeing Jesus face to face, entering into God's rest, and so much more.

Having said that, maybe you can understand why this song means so much to me and why I cling to the pictures this song paints for me. My favorite verse of this song is this...

I hear your voice and I catch my breath

Well done my child, enter in and rest

Tears of joy roll down my cheek

It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams

I don't cry very often. But right now, I am. Not because I'm sad or scared, but because my heart is overflowing with joy and anticipation for the day I hear his voice, enter in and rest. I can't even fathom the fact that day this song is talking about is going to be a reality. I wish I could explain to you how I feel right now. I keep praying that I can find the words to describe how I feel. But I think God wants everyone to experience this feeling on their own. I think the feeling will be different for everyone and it will be their own. Ya know? So instead of praying I can explain it, I pray that all who read this, will one day feel how I feel in their own way. I'm not sure that makes much sense, but oh well.

I'm going to change things up real quick and really, out of nowhere. I want to be real with you right now. My heart is kind of all over the place. I feel like the status of it changes by the hour, by the minute, and I can't control it. I've been home for a week and I've experienced so many things already and I just don't know what to do with any of it. I've felt great, lonely, disappointed, restless, thankful, scared, joyful, alive, broken...all over the place right? How does that happen? I keep asking myself, how can so many things change in so little time, and my answer remains the same, I don't know. I don't know why things are the way they are. To be honest, it scares me. But I'm going to stay faithful to God and know that he is good and can be trusted. I'm going to remember that God works for the good of those who love him. I'm going to remember that the Creator of the universe believes in me. I'm going to remember that he has plans for me. I'm going to remember that it's the first week of summer, it's only just begun, and I need to wait patiently for what God is going to do in me.

As I write all of that, I'm reminded of why I even began this post. I began it because the overwhelming presence of God was too much to keep inside of me. I had to share the way I felt. I had to share how I've fallen in love with Jesus again tonight. All of these songs speak about God--his goodness, his power, his rest, his faithfulness in the promises he's made, his glory. They speak of something better than the temporary emotions I feel and better than my temporary life here on earth. They speak of a God who cares and who loves me and feels everything that I feel, and knows and understands it better than anyone here on earth ever will. As surely as I feel the wind blow this very moment, I know that God is here, along side of me, digging into the depths of my soul to help me see him clearly. Through the music of Phil Wickham, the ambiguity of my heart these days, through the clear night sky that covers the earth--God is helping me see him more clearly. So even though things are the way they are, I know that if I keep my eyes and my thoughts fixed on Jesus, everything will be okay.

I know I don't make much sense..I never do and I'm sorry for that. This is just what's going on with me right now. This is my heart and I'm laying it out for you to see. I don't know why, I'm just taking a step on faith, trusting that God is working in those of you who actually read this thing.

Well, it's late and I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long day. If you feel led, I ask that you would pray for my day tomorrow. I'm visiting one side of my family for the first time since my Nana died and I'm also visiting the other side of my family that doesn't know Jesus yet.

peace and love.

There's not really a point to this one...

I want to caution you...this is a lengthy post! I guess I got a little carried away (:

I forgot to include someone very, very important in my last blog and I am deeply sorry that I forgot. Please meet Miss Keri-Kamyrn Skjei...

This girl is amazing!! She is the one person I can act like a total idiot with and not feel embarrassed or ashamed of my silly behavior. She encourages me, believes in me, trusts me, and inspires me to be an individual. She is soo artistically talented. The things she comes up are so amazing (she would never tell you though). I have some of my craziest moments with Keri and every time we're together we pick up where we left off. It is amazing. I'm so thankful that she is in my life. I love you Keri!

Well, I suppose I've had a lot on my mind recently. Maybe because my first year of college is coming to an end? Who knows? Not that my thoughts have been negative or anything, I've just had a lot of them. They have been mainly about this upcoming summer. My thoughts about summer seem to change day to day. One day I am excited for all that is going to happen, and other days I'm scared out of my mind. Let me tell you why I'm excited. I have the opportunity to go serve in two different places. The first is in Montana at Pine Haven Children's home. My church and I will be going for a week in June. About two weeks ago I talked to my youth pastor, Danny, about this trip and he told me that someone has paid for the entire trip...man, God is good! I've heard a ton of awesome things about this place and I am so pumped to serve there. Not only am I going to Montana for a week, I'm going to skid row in L.A. for a week to serve the people who live there. I am going with my friend Danae's church and I am just so stinkin excited. I love the city and I believe God has called me to serve there, so this trip is going to be extra special.

So, those two trips will take up my month of June and as far as July and August go, I have no clue what I'm going to do. I know that I have to get a job...I'm actually kind of excited about it. I really want to work in a secular setting because I believe that I am far more equipped to be a light in the world than I was last year. I really hope that I have the opportunity to lead someone to Jesus this summer. Writing that just reminded me of a conversation my roommate, Charity, and I just had. She was telling about talking to her co-workers about Jesus and sin and stuff and she realized that she has had the opportunity all along, she just never took it. I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to be praying and praying and then when God gives me the opportunity, just ignore it.

Aside from my opportunities to serve and finding a job, I am looking forward to spending some serious time with my family. One of the things I have learned since I've been away is the importance of family. Last summer I didn't spend enough time with my family and I really wish I would have. I'm kicking myself (okay, here is where I get real honest) because it took the death of my Nana to make me realize this. I have been blessed with a very big, very loving family and I have taken each of them for granted. For those of you who don't know, my "family history" is rather unique, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Having said that, I want to make every effort to invest and pour into my family. There is a part of my family that is very broken because of the death of my Nana and I want to be there and be God's instrument to help bring restoration and happiness into my family again. I've been praying so hard for my family and I ask that if you're reading this, you'll stop and pray for my family.

I suppose I can get to the "why I'm not so excited" part of my summer. To be honest, I have no idea where my relationship with my friends stand. Gosh, I hate admitting that, but it's true. So much has changed, yet so much has stayed the same and I don't know what to do with that. Goodness, that probably doesn't make any sense to you, but it's the only way I know how to explain things. If it were up to me, things with my friends would be the same. We'd hang out all the time, laugh about everything, go up to prayer mountain a few nights a week, hang out at sonic and eat corn dogs and drink grape dr. pepper, not have a care in the world. But, I don't think it's going to be like that. I wish I knew how things are going to be..but I don't, and I need to get over that. Instead of worrying (which is something I do all the time and seriously need to stop doing) I need to give it all to God and remember that he is in control and I am not; He is God and I not. So, having said that, I'm going to trust that things are going to be okay and not worry.

Well, what else..hmm..I have decided that not very many people know very much about me or how fun (I feel like thats conceited but I don't mean it like that) I really am. For some reason I have a ridiculous "shyness" problem. I don't know how else to put it. I mean, sometimes when I'm around people I just forgot how to talk. It's soo stupid, because I mean, dang, can I talk! Not only do I forget to talk, my clumsy-ness is totally intensified. Dumb! Here are some things you should know about me..

My failure to talk doesn't mean I don't care or that I'm dumb, it just means that I don't have anything to say or for some reason I'm too shy. One of my favorite things in life is being able to make someone smile. Yeah, most of the time it's because I do something silly but I'm alright with that. I love to listen to people talk and share their heart, the sound of rain, and people playing guitar or piano. One day I will be able to sing and play my own songs on my guitar..and show people. My mom buys me my own red cups because I hate the smell of regular cups.

I have OCD tendencies when I get ready for bed.I started a journal to my husband back in January, and I try to write in it as often as I can about the things God is teaching me and the things I'm going through in life...sometimes I blush when I write in it.

I hate that I blush all the time. I love to pray. I love listening to people to pray. It's hard for me to read my Bible every day..but when I do, I love it! I love when people know they can come to me with the tough stuff. If I could, I'd go up to prayer mountain every night. I love chocolate milk, Mac-n-cheese, and graham crackers dipped in milk. I'm insecure when it comes to cooking (so don't mess with me about that stuff..it makes me want to cry). Speaking of crying, I only cry when I'm at church or really angry (which doesn't happen often because it takes a lot to make me angry). I'm insecure about most things but I'm working on that. I care too much about what people think. I'm a people pleaser but I'm working on fixing that too. There is nothing more beautiful to me than watching people worship. I can't wait to go to heaven and meet Jesus. I love thunderstorms because they remind of God's power. I love to look for good things about people and tell them. I need words of affirmation. I get scared really easily. I'm deathly afraid of tornados. I don't wash my face and somehow have pretty clear skin. I hate brushing my teeth and I practically have to force myself to brush them. I don't brush my hair everyday and I'm alright with it. I LOVE Harry Potter. I love The Chronicles of Narnia. I love soundtrack music. I was an original Twilight fan. I like to dance. I sing really loud and off key and I'm okay with it. I'm forgetful when it comes to little things. I'm simple. I procrastinate. I'm a bad speller so don't ask me how to spell things. I don't like texting or talking on facebook. Talk to me in person. I love to look at the stars. Sometimes I just like to be quiet. I don't have to talk when I ride in a car with someone. I'm perfectly happy looking out my window. I'm over observant. I want to go to Africa and take care of little kids. I want to worship with the people of Africa. I love chic flicks. I hate scary movies. I love having deep talk with people. I love taking pictures. I keep every card someone gives to me. I love when people make me stuff. I wish I was an artist. I have two tattoos and plan on getting a third when I get married. I can't wait to get married. I love to read. I am amazed that you are still reading this.

Anyway. I feel like I got a little carried away and I'm sorry. I promise that I will write about something legit soon. I doubt it will be this week because it's finals week but like I said, soon!

peace and love.

And so it begins...

Welcome to my blog (: I'm not really sure how to start this thing so I'm just going to go for it. I guess I can start with a little about me. The first thing you need to know is that I strive to love God and love people every day in any way that I can. God is the foundation of all that I am and it is my goal to bring glory to his Kingdom everyday bythe way I live my life. I'm 19 and I'm from Prescott, Arizona and I attend Ozark Christian College in Joplin, Missouri. I love my college and that I am here but I hate Missouri...but it's so worth it. I feel God has called to serve in the inner city. I have a heart for broken people who are seeking refuge from the darkness they live in. I believe God is going to use me to do something awesome and I am pumped for what he is going to do in and through me!

PS. I hate grammar...probably because I'm bad at it so if you're going to read this just ignore the grammatical errors that are going to cover this thing. It's my blog and I don't really care and neither should you ha

The main reason I wanted to start a blog is because I like to write. It's how I express myself when words fail me..which is like 99% of the time. I'm no poetic genius, I mean heck, half the time I probably don't make any sense to other people but it's not for other people. Its for me and for whoever reads it to, who knows, maybe be blessed by it or something. I don't know. I'm going to be honest, I am going to be real, I am going to be me (:

I would like to introduce you to a few of the people who have made a big impact in my life.

This beautiful lady with me is my mommy. She is the strongest, most beautiful, hardworking, dedicated, loving, caring, fantastic, understanding, wonderful, gentle, kind, awesome, amazing, pure hearted woman I have ever known and will ever know. I have learned

so much from her and I am so proud of who she is. I couldn't have asked for a better mom even though she thinks otherwise. She has helped me become who I am today and I'm so thankful that she is my mom.

Next...

Gabe, my brother. He's pretty stinkin awesome! I love this kid so much. He has taught me so much about loving people without hesitation and seeing them for who they are. What most people don't know about Gabe is that he is autistic. His disability is found in his brain so most people don't see he has a disability and it's hard for people to understand Gabe. Don't let his autism fool you though...he is just like any regular pain in the butt brother. He pushes my buttons and picks on me, he's starting to get taller than me, he's proud of me, and i am proud of him. Gabe is like a musical genius. If you teach him something on the drums he'll pick it up right away. It's awesome. I love this kid.

These next few people are in no specific order...

Miss Carlyl Machelle Jonovich is probably the longest friend that I've ever had. We met when we were in the fifth grade and we hated each other, then somehow during in the midst of the chaos of middle school, high school, and everything that comes with it we built a bond that can not be easily broken. She knows me better than anyone else and I am so blessed to have her in my life. Even though we live 1400ish miles away from each other nothing has changed between us. We pray almost every night together and talk for at least an hour every night. It's wonderful. Carly is one of the few people I can trust with everything and know that she would never judge me. She is a beautiful yo woman seeking after God and I am so blessed to be able to watch her grow, learn and learn from her.

The lovely Tosha Lowry. Tosha and I met last semester because we were lucky enough to be in the same life group and live a few doors down from each other. I believe God put her in my life for a very clear reason and that is to encourage me, challenge me, keep me accountable, and become a friend for the rest of my life. Tosha and I talk about EVERYTHING. I have never had a friend like her and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I know God is going to use her to do incredible things for the kingdom and I am so blessed to be a part of her life. Words don't even begin to explain the friendship we have. It's so cool (:

Charity Groom...my RM. Charity is probably the most godly woman I know..and she's my roommate! How cool! She is soo wise (probably the wisest person I know) and I love soaking up everything she has to say. She's not afraid to call me out and keep me accountable. She sharpens me and challenges me so much. I am so glad that I have her in my life to keep me grounded and encourage me to be the godly woman I am trying to be. She is in love with Jesus and I think that it is so wonderful and encouraging to know that He is truly sufficient for her.

Rachel Young. Rachel is amazing. I have so much fun with her its ridiculous. We like to act like we're six years old all the time haha! Rachel's friendship means a lot to me. She practically lived at my house for a while and we spent every day and through this time I got to form a very special friendship. We have helped each other through some pretty crappy situations and I am so proud of the Christian woman she is becoming every day. Rachel has had a rough year but she can still smile and seek after God with a willingness to learn and grow from what he is teaching her. She inspires me and encourages me unlike any one else and I am so thankful to have her in my life and I love her very much.

Danae Sotzin. If you don't know her you're missing out. Big time. Danae challenges me spiritually more than almost any one else. She has an incredible desire to know God and live her life like Jesus. I have some of the best talks with Danae and walk away from each of them inspired, encouraged, and challenged every time. God is going to use her to do something unique and amazing for the kingdom. I look up to Danae a lot for her strength and her honest desire to live differently. She has been through a lot of junk the past couple of months and I am so encouraged to see her seek after what God is teaching her in this season of her life. Back in March, Danae and I had an awesome talk and we realized that God, the creator believes in us. Saying this and believing this truth about God has been one of the most incredible things ever and I am so glad her and I were able to share that realization together.

Tiffany Green! I love this girl! We met at the beginning of first semester and first I was struck by her undeniable beauty then by her friendliness and people person-nesss (yeah I just made that up but its my blog) Tiff was there when I first fell in love with the city and I know she will always be there to encourage me follow the call God has on my life to serve in the city She has challenged me to break outside of my box and show people the real me and I am so thankful for that.

Somer Soard. This girl is truly amazing. If it wasn't for her my first year of college would have looked very different. Somer is who encouraged me to play basketball this year and I am so glad she did. Her and I mess around a lot but our friendship is solid. She has really helped me find myself in the midst of my chaotic life. She challenges me and pushes me to do my best in everything. She is really good at seeing people for who they are and helping them see themselves. I love her a ton and I love beating her up!

And last but certainly not least...my Nana

Words don't even begin to describe how incredible my nana was. She was the most loving person I have ever known. It didn't matter who you were or what you've done, she loved you without hesitation. She never spoke negatively about anyone but instead tried to see the best in every person and in every situation. She never judged or looked down upon you. She only built you up in any way that she could. She is the best cook I know and I hope one day I'll master her tortillas (they're my favorite and no one else's come close to comparing) My nana was the glue that held our family together. She loved, she gave what she had, and she prayed for people by name every time she felt led. Her love for God was pure and strong and she trusted him with everything. She knew that he heard her and that he loved her so much. Her faith and her love is something that I will strive for everyday of my life. She taught me how to be a good wife, a loving mother, and faithful follower of God. My Nana arrived on earth July 12, 1955 and she met Jesus on April 12, 2010. Even though I miss her a ton I know she is in heaven dancing and spending time with her Creator.

I want to share with you what I wrote and presented at her memorial service. I believe God used me a lot to bless people with the things he placed on my heart and the things he placed on my Nana's heart.

I don’t know what to say. I know that I miss her. I want to hug her. I want to hold her hand again. But I can’t. What I can do though is praise God for all that we are going through, because she did. I can know that my God is faithful, because she did. I can know that God is present and standing by to help even though I can’t seem him, because she did. I can say, Lord I trust you. All things work out for your victory in my life, because she did. I can say, God is in control of my life, because she did. I can even say, Lord, I give you all my fears of dying, because she did. All these things and many more are written in the margins of her Bible. Her raw and honest prayers to God written throughout her Bible are truth. They’re encouragement. They’re God speaking through her to me. And I want to share some of my favorite things with you. Lord help me to be radiant and happy and grateful. These three things, radiant, happy and grateful are all descriptions of my Nana. Not to mention she was beautiful, kind, selfless, and loving. Prayer is the place where burdens change shoulders. The last time we were together we were sitting on her bed talking and we started talking about God and prayer and stuff and she told me that sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night and she doesn’t know why, then people just start coming to mind and so she prays for them. She doesn’t try to go back to sleep, she prays. She takes the things that burden her heart about people and she gives them to God. The secret of peace is to give all your anxieties to God and We experience peace not pain when we trust the power of God. Lord, help me to focus on the good. Nana trusted God and received peace in her life. It would have been so easy to let all of the hurt she’s experience steal her joy and trust in the Lord, but she didn’t. She had peace because she trusted the power of God. That’s why I can stand up right now and say to you all that I feel more peace and joy than I do pain. Because I know that my Nana trusted in God and received peace in her times of hurt. She focused on the good; her family; her husband; her children; her grandchildren. She didn’t let the lies and deceit of satan steal her peace, her hope, her joy. And because of her hope and peace and belief in God I know that she is in heaven with Jesus right now. She isn’t sick anymore. She isn’t hurting. She’s smiling and dancing and rejoicing and praising her Creator. God’s unseen presence comforts me, I know he’s always near and when life’s storms besiege me soul He says, “my child, don’t fear.” When I read this my heart filled up with so much joy. All of who Nana was is because she knew that God is faithful and that he was with her always. She knew that he would comfort her, protect her, guide her, draw near to her, heal her, restore her, provide for her, wrap her in his arms and keep her safe. Don’t give up, wait on the Lord. Nana never gave up. Never. She always trusted, always persevered, always gave all she had. She waited patiently for God’s perfect timing of deliverance. She knew he would come through and so she waited and saw his faithfulness in everything. Will you be ready to embrace your heavenly father? I was challenged by this statement. I really had to check my heart and ask myself, am I living in a way that is pleasing in the eyes of my heavenly Father? I know from now on, that is what I'm going to strive to do, because she did.

So, I was supposed to post this blog in early April, but because of a ton of different circumstances I was slightly delayed. Sorry this isn't anything super exciting but now you know some of the important people in my life. Hopefully the next blog I post will be soon. Thanks for checking it out! Peace and Love.