broken heart.

This post is a mess, and I'm fine with that. I don't really care about my excessive grammatical errors, run-on sentences, and sporadic shifts in topic. Just thought you should know.

My heart was broken last night.

Broken to the point that I wept. And wept. And wept some more.

I sat before my bed on my knees and wept.

I'm not sure how long I was there. I just knew that I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't stop praying.

Let me take you back to where all of this came from. My mom sent me a Tyler Perry movie called "For Colored Girls." I usually expect to cry after watching one of these movies, because they're just so good and so powerful. God is always glorified in these movies, and darkness is always overcome by the light. And when I mean darkness, I mean pure darkness. In his movies he's not afraid to show the ugly truth, circumstances, and pain real people go through. This movie in particular was the hardest one I've ever watched. It tells the stories of 9 black women living in the inner city.

Here is a small glimpse of their stories

• Woman #1: A beautiful, joyful woman who is raped in her own apartment
• Woman #2: A bartender who brings home a different man every night because she survives off of intimacy with men. It's all she's ever known and she can't escape the need to "feel loved and wanted"
• Woman #3: A successful, lonely, broken business woman who gets HIV from her husband after he began having sex with men
• Woman #4: A nurse trying to teach young girls not to have sex for affection, yet lives with a man who continuously cheats on her, leaves her, and uses her.
• Woman #5: The mother of woman #2. A crazy, religious woman who hates her daughter for the things she's done and suffocates and expects way too much from her other daughter/
• Woman #6: The sister of woman #2, and daughter of woman #5. She just graduated high school, she's a beautiful dancer, and she's pregnant. She goes to get an abortion from a woman who does abortions for practically nothing, in a dark, dark ally of the inner city. The movie doesn't specify what happens when she goes, but she ends up in the hospital.
• Woman #7: A social worker who is unable to have children because a man gave her an STD. Her role intertwines with every other woman in this movie.
• Woman #8: Her "husband", who just got back from war, beats her constantly in the presence of her children. Not only that, he eventually ends up killing her children by dropping them from the 5th story of their apartment building.
• Woman #9: The strong, older woman of God. She is the light.

In the end, they all come together, and a beautiful picture of perseverance and unity is painted, but still,writing down each woman's story just breaks my heart all over again because these aren't just made up situations. They are real.

Let me say that again

THEY ARE REAL

Things like this happen all the time, and thats why my heart is broken. Thats why I was on my knees weeping last night. Thats why I poured my heart out to God in desperation to send me to the inner city. Over and over again, "God, prepare me, send me, use me. I know I'm scared, but I have to go. I know it's going to be hard, but I have to go. God, I know its dangerous, but I have to go. Prepare me, send me, use me. They need you"

Sometimes when I tell people what I want to do with my life they look at me like I'm stupid or crazy. For those of you who don't know, let me tell you.

I want to move to the inner-city. Maybe Atlanta (my love for black people isn't something I joke about anymore just because I'm 1/4 black. My love for black people, black women in particular, is because they have always struggled, and they have always overcome. Back in the day they had it the worst, and today I want black women to be seen as survivors, because they are. They are strong, brave, and women I admire). I want to move into a community that is broken, lost, and in need. I want my home to be a REFUGE for those who are seeking it. I want to be able to cook good southern food. I want a yard with a basketball hoop, playground, and is fenced in. I want to take care of kids for free so their mothers can use the money they make for groceries and other needs. I want to use the things I learn as I pursue psychology and counseling to minister, comfort, and understand the people in my community. I want to lead Bible studies for the women in my neighborhood and teach them about the matchless, everlasting love of our Heavenly Father. I want to be a safe place for people to go. I want to be a light in the darkness. I want to walk beside people who hear and respond to the sweet sound of redemption that echos in their hearts. I want to love with Christ's love.

I don't know how I'm going to do any of this. I don't know how I'm going to get there, how I'm going to pay for it all. I don't know if I'll be married and have kids, or if I'll live on my own. But I do know this: I serve a God who is bigger than all of my "I don't knows." I know that this vision isn't something I just made up, it's a calling, a burden that God has placed on my heart. I know that he will provide. I know he will be faithful. I know he will direct my steps. I know he will go before me in all things, and walk beside me, and always have my back. I know his light will conqure the darkness in the inner city. I know that he will overcome.

I've been listening to this song on repeat the entire time I've been typing. Open up your heart, because I want you to listen to it, read the words, and let this song speak to your soul.

There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails

[Chorus:]
So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

[Verse 1:]
In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

[Bridge:]
All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failures
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

I don't know what else to say, so I guess I'll pray and go eat lunch or something, I don't know.

Abba Father, I come to you as your daughter, who needs you to wrap your arms around me. I know you are faithful. I know you are good. I know that you never fail. But do they? Do they know of your goodness, of your promises, of your justice? Oh God, I want them to and I want you to use me to show them. God I don't know who I'm praying for, but you do. I don't know who I'm going to encounter when I go, but you do. Thank you for that. Thank you for breaking my heart for what breaks yours. Thank you for opening my eyes to the things you care about. Thank you for bringing me to my knees so that I could pray for those who don't know you, yet desperately need you. God, I want them to know your love, your peace, your grace, your mercy. I want them to behold your glory, stand in awe of who you are, and know that everything is going to be okay, because you are bigger, stronger, and greater, and because you have overcome the world. I want them to run to you, I want them to be still in your presence, and know you are God. God, I want them to know that in you there is freedom, there is hope, there is joy, and there is life. I want them to know that in you alone there is rest. God, I pray that you would prepare my heart for the things I'm going to see, that you would send me, and that you would use me. I offer all that I am, and I pray you do whatever it takes to make your glory known wherever I go. I pray that whoever reads this would see what you see and that you would break their heart for the things that break yours. God I know that your love will overcome. I find hope in strength in your love. You are where I long to fix my thoughts and eyes. Thank you for your everlasting, matchless, pure, amazing love. Thank you for always being with me, thank you for overcoming. I love you very much. Amen.

Welp.

Well alright, It’s been quite some time since my last post..my bad. As much as I’d love to catch up on the all things going on my life lately, I think this will do for now.

So, I promise if you keep reading you’ll get my point..it always take me a bit to get there, so bear with me.

When I drive I absolutely hate when people are driving in front of me. They can be going the speed limit, or even going above it and I’ll still pass them. I pass them because I like to know what is in front of me so that I can always be ready to anticipate (I feel the same even when I'm a passenger). I’m sure you know the feeling. This past weekend my basketball team and I traveled to Moberly, MO for a game and on the way back I was wide awake and fully intended just to stare out the front window (riveting, right?;) ). However, there was a problem. Bree was sitting right in front of me and to top it all off we were the last van out of four vans. Imagine my frustration. I kept shifting my position just so I catch a glimpse of what was going on in front of me. No matter how much I moved, there was always something blocking my vision. I finally gave up the struggle and went back to playing bejeweled on my iPod which was right in front of my face. Cool story, right? Nah, but what I’ll say next is kinda cool. Ha.

I decided that this is what I’m doing with my life right now. I’m constantly trying to see and anticipate what is going to come. I’m trying to pear around everything just to get a glance of what I should expect instead of focusing on what is right in front of my face...Jesus. I am too concerned with the “what if’s” in life and I’m missing out on everything that God has placed before me right now in this season of my life. Honestly, it's very exhausting. I have found that instead of being joyful and patient during this season, I'm stressed, worried, and losing sight of Jesus.

Going back to the trip from Moberly to Joplin, I couldn't see everything that was before me, but it didn't matter because I arrived at my destination. I want to be able to say the same about life. Even If I can't see exactly where God is leading me, I know that he'll get me to wherever it is he wants me to be.

Sooo, I will continue to fix my eyes on Jesus and trust in my Helper, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Also.... I've written a mission statement and I'd like to share it

I exist to love my God and to love his people. I will not be a slave to fear and I will not allow the "what if's" of life to hinder me; I will embrace freedom. I will follow the call of my heart to be a harbor of refuge and a safe place. I will raise my hands in sweet surrender and fall humbly to my knees in submission to my faithful, merciful, loving King and the work of his hands. I will worship in abandonment, love relentlessly, and forever abide in my Creator, my First Love, my Everything.

peace and love.